Relationships and violence

Monday, November 3, 2014


You might not think that violence affects your relationship but the reality is 15 to 24 year-olds are the group most at risk of violence from current or former partners.

Tuesday 25 November is White Ribbon Day. It’s an international day to end violence against women.

Relationship abuse is not something that happens only once. It’s a cycle and it usually gets worse if nothing is done to stop it. If you are being abused – it is not your fault. Abusers are responsible for their own behaviour.

What is relationship abuse?

Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviour used to keep power and control over someone else. The abusive behaviour can be emotional, physical or sexual.

Relationship check-up

Some relationships are healthy and some are unhealthy. Someone who loves you helps you feel good about yourself. Someone who controls you, who tells you what to do or how to behave, isn’t helping you feel good about yourself.

Why not give your relationships a health check by reading more about healthy and unhealthy relationships?

Feature Violence Winnie The Poo Nov 2014

Source: It's Not OK Campaign Facebook page

Intimacy is important in a healthy sexual relationship

Intimacy develops with time. You need to know when and if you are ready to invite someone to be close to you, rather than just letting it happen. You need to decide if it is really right for you.

Ask yourself these three questions. They can be a good way of helping you make safe choices.

  1. Do I feel safe? Is this a safe place, a safe person? Is there a chance I could be taken advantage of or could I be hurt? 
  2. Is this my decision? Is there peer pressure? Is there pressure to be in a relationship, to appear “normal”. Is this person pressuring me to do something I don’t want to do. 
  3. Do their actions show that they care about me? Does this person make you feel safe and cared for? Physically – do you have tingly and excited feelings or sick and yucky feelings? Emotionally, are you comfortable with your feelings about the person AND the situation? Socially are you true to your values and beliefs (personal, family, religious, cultural)? Does this person treat you with respect? 

Expectations in a relationship

Good relationships are about sharing decisions, respect and feelings. Both people should feel good about themselves and each other.

In a relationship, both people should feel loved, safe, protected, respected, attractive, wanted and listened to.

It’s important for both people to maintain their own friends, have freedom to do their own things, argue in a safe way (no violence or threatening behaviour), talk to each other, and take the relationship at a pace that feels safe and comfortable, including sexually.

If you choose to, you should feel safe to end a relationship without fear of being hurt, either physically or emotionally.

Feature Violence ME Nov 2014

Source: It's Not OK Facebook page 

Who is doing the abuse?

Abuse or violence can happen in any type of relationship – straight, gay, bi, queer, whatever., In New Zealand, 84 per cent of violent acts against women are committed by men.

Also in New Zealand, 90 per cent of sexual violence is committed by someone the victim already knows.

Being an ethical bystander

We can all help stop possible abuse, violence and threats to other people. An ethical bystander is someone who chooses to step in and help a situation in a positive manner, while also making sure they are safe.

When a man steps in to stop another man being abusive, he sends a strong signal that violence will not be tolerated. Masculinity does not have to mean having power and control over another person.

Feature Violence Its About Mana Nov 2014

Source: Family Planning

Who can help?

  • You can talk to a school counsellor or someone you trust. 
  • Youthline (free 24 hours) 0800 37 6633 or free text 234.
  • Stopping Violence Services (8am-5pm Mon-Fri) 0800 478 778.
  • Shine (9am-11pm 7 days a week) 0508 744 633.
  • Women’s Refuge (Free national 24-hour crisis line) 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843. 
  • If you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 111.
  • For more information about White Ribbon Day 

Family Planning has clinics located throughout New Zealand. Use the clinic finder to find your nearest clinic.

Find a clinic

Visits are free if you are under
22 (NZ residents only)


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