It's about Mana: ideas for parents and whanau
How to get young men talking about sexuality
Young men want to engage in conversations about sex and sexuality – they just don’t always know how to start them.
The majority of young men are doing well. Talking with them in a positive way will get positive results. If we create the environment where we allow young men to discuss sexuality they will, in a mature and responsible way.
Biological knowledge is important, but building self assurance and confidence around sexual topics will open a world of discussion.
Talk with the young men in your family about your values, and the expectations and hopes you have for them about their sexuality and relationships.
Young men need to hear that they have an important and valuable role to play in developing positive relationships and are equally responsible for the quality of a relationship.
Masculinity
Masculinity is varied and can mean different things to different people. Allowing young men to feel comfortable with who they are is more important than expectations that they conform to a certain stereotype.
There is a lot of pressure on young men to ‘be the big man’, to have sex and brag about it. Young men need to know that masculinity isn’t about how much they can score, or talk down to or about people. It’s about showing respect, love, tenderness, standing up for what they believe in and for the people who are close to them.
Masculinity is a range of attributes. Role modeling difference to young men allows them to see males doing well while not having to conform to stereotypical behaviours.
- Talk about their interests. Ask what sort of man they think that makes them.
- Talk about the qualities he admires in other men, and you admire in other men.
- Ask what Mana is to them.
- Ask how people with Mana would behave in their relationships, and how they can translate that to themselves.
- Be honest about the challenges in always trying to be respectful, strong and caring. Discuss how they might be able to work through pressures and develop ethical behaviours with current or future partners.
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Sexual Pleasure
New Zealand research shows that young men want to know about pleasure; they know that sexual things are meant to be pleasurable. They want to know how to be “good” at sex.
Pornography is easy to access and many young men get most of their knowledge about sexual acts from watching porn. However, pornography is fantasy and shows a skewed version of sexuality. If young men are only learning about sexual acts and “how to be good at it” from watching porn they are likely to be disappointed when negotiating their own sex lives.
Porn focuses on male pleasure, takes place in an emotional vacuum and emphasises the role of the male to take the lead. In porn male pursuit always ends in female acceptance, with intercourse as the goal. Male prowess and stamina is unrealistic. That is a lot for young men to live up to.
Males who get information from sources other than porn are better able to put information from porn into context and see it more as fantasy.
- Talk about the benefits of communication, emotional connection and respect for pleasurable sexual experiences. Just because one person likes something, it doesn’t mean that everyone does so they need to ask and explore, and remember mutuality.
- Talk about different ways of giving and receiving physical and non physical pleasure, pleasurable parts of the body, sensuality, and how different types of touch feel.
- Remind your young men that pornography is not real.
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What is sex, what is sensual, what is intimate behaviour?
Talk about the differences between intimacy, sensuality, and sex.
Good sex involves intimacy, and different types of sexual touching and experiences before the possibility of sex/ intercourse. Bodies need to physically prepare for intense sexual activity or sexual intercourse. Pleasurable sex is built up to, not rushed into.
- Ask what young men want people to think about them when they’re in an intimate, romantic relationship.
- How would they need to behave in their relationship(s) in order to have others think about them in positive terms?
- Talk about casual encounters, and whether or not these would be something he wants to have and if so how he can make sure hey are mutually pleasurable and respectful.
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Consent
Talk about the importance of ensuring all sexual activity is consenting activity. Young men must give and get consent.
Talk about the need for sexual partners to consent (say yes) to sexual activity. Talk about visual signs as well as language – e.g. people who are comfortable with what is happening have relaxed bodies and respond to touch. People who are not comfortable often go still and quiet - this is a cue to stop and check out if they are ok.
Consent is important both legally and morally. Legally people can get into trouble with police and the courts if they get this wrong. Morally, forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do, or not listening/checking out with them, to ensure they are happy with the level of intimacy is unethical, disrespectful, hurtful behaviour and should not be accepted by anyone.
All men, young or old, should stand up and challenge others if they hear about men putting pressure on partners.
Remind young men that, just because someone has participated in certain activities in the past, either with them or another partner, it does not mean they have given consent for those activities at any other time. Similarly, if someone has consented to some activities (e.g. passionate kissing, touching) or gone somewhere private with them it does not mean that person has consented to sex.
Talk about the need to control their behaviour, especially if alcohol or other substances are involved. Drunkenness is not an excuse, or a legal out, for sexual assault.
Young men may feel pressured to go through with activities they are not comfortable with. They have a right to say no. Talk with them about how they can identify what their gut is really saying about a situation.
- How could they express their feelings while waiting until both partners are ready to have sex?
- How could her and his partner prepare themselves to make sure they both feel safe and enjoy themselves?
- How would they know when they are ready to have sex?
- How could someone be sure that their partner was ready?
- What impact can drugs and alcohol have in this sort of situation?
- What does “consent” mean?
- What does the law say about pushing someone into having sex or forcing them to do other sexual things?
- How can you clearly show someone that you are consenting to activities?
- How do you want to be treated when you’re in an intimate relationship?
- What kind of partner do you want to be?
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How to start a relationship
Young men often ask how can they practically show someone they are interested in them, and how to initiate a relationship.
Talk about mutual attraction and interest in each other being important before thinking about asking someone out. Remind him it is important to be able to relax and be themselves.
Young men need to know that playing it up in front of their mates, and making someone they are interested in the butt of their jokes is not the best dating strategy.
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Expectations in a relationship
The music and video clips young people are exposed to are sources of information for young people about sex and relationships. Check out what your son is listening to and what messages he is getting about relationships. Ask whether he thinks these are realistic.
Good relationships are about sharing decisions, respect, and feelings. Both people should feel good about themselves and each other.
In a relationship both people should feel loved, safe, protected, respected, attractive, wanted, and listened to.
It’s important for both people to maintain their own friends, have freedom to do their own things, argue in a safe way (no violence or threatening behaviour), talk to each other, and take the relationship at a pace that feels safe and comfortable, including sexually.
People should feel safe to end a relationship without fear of being hurt, either physically or emotionally.
Unfortunately, some young men are controlling, coercive and violent in relationships.
There is a clear link between the more strongly held ideas of traditional masculinity and a greater likelihood of that individual man using domestic violence against women. Encouraging young men to question traditional male values - in particular that real men are always in control, have uncontrollable sex drives, deserve a certain entitlement or respect, and that women are objects – will protect against relationship violence.
Violent men hold different attitudes towards women than the majority of men who do not use violence. Discussions that show that most males do not use or condone violence towards women will make it harder for individuals who use violence to justify it as normal behaviour.
Ask him:
- What would you want in a relationship?
- How do you want to be treated in a relationship?
- How would you show respect to a partner?
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Penis size
Many young men are anxious about the size of their penis and have an unrealistic view of themselves and what is average. Watching pornography can reinforce the idea that most men have very large penises.
Penises do come in a range of shapes and sizes, and some may even curve slightly. They can be explained as “show-ers” and “growers”. That is, when flaccid (soft) they are either small and will become much larger when erect (grow-ers), or already large when flacid (show-ers). Each man’s erection is as unique as his penis.
The average flaccid penis size is 7.6cm – 10.2cm (3 – 4 inches) and erect size is 12.7cm (5 inches). So it doesn’t matter what size a penis is when it is soft, as in the end they are all more or less the same.
Penis size does not determine a man’s sexual prowess. The penis does not grow with frequent intercourse, or masturbation, and a penis does not decrease in size due to lack of activity. Exercise will not change its size. Size and shape are not related to a man’s build.
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Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation (Heterosexual, Bisexual, Homosexual) can be fluid. Someone may be attracted to members of the opposite sex most of the time but have occasional attractions to members of the same sex.
It is important to realise that a person’s sexual orientation may not fit perfectly with their sexual behaviour (what they do sexually). There are many things that shape or determine how we behave sexually and sexual orientation is only one of those factors.
Many young men feel pressure to make negative comments about another person’s orientation to prove that they themselves are not gay, or to ensure they don’t get hassled for being gay.
Encourage young men to be accepting of diversity and different ways of being masculine.
If you think your son is struggling with his sexuality:
- Let him know you love him, no matter what
- Talk to him about how he is feeling
It may help you to find some support for yourselves, and to acknowledge you may have a period of shock and mourning. There may be a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) group near you.
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Sexual safety – Contraception and STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections)
Young men only have one option for contraception that they are in control of: condoms.
Condoms, used correctly, are highly effective at preventing pregnancy and preventing the transmission of many STIs. Ideally, they should be used with another form of contraception.
Young men should not rely on others to take responsibility for contraception or STI prevention. The only sure way to guarantee protection is to take some responsibility themselves.
If young men are sexually active they should have regular STI tests from Sexual Health Services , their GP or youth health services, or at a Family Planning clinic. Visits to Family Planning are free for under 22 year olds.
Up to 144 condoms can be obtained on a $3.00 prescription. Condoms are best used with lube to reduce any likelihood of them tearing. They come in different sizes, colours and shapes so there are lots of options to find the right fit. Encourage your son to try different types of condoms to get the right fit. Condoms and lube are available from our online shop.
Leave condoms somewhere for him to access e.g. kept cool in a bathroom cupboard. Encourage him to practice putting them on before he is sexually active with a partner. The more comfortable and confident he is with using them, the less likely he is to not use them out of embarrassment.
For more information about STIs and contraceptive options check these free downloadable pamphlets.
Ask:
- Does he know where he can get hold of condoms and lube?
- When is the right time to become a dad?
- What would you need to give up doing to be a good dad?
- How can he take care of business responsibly?
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Being an ethical friend and bystander
We can all to prevent potential violence and threats to others.
Talk about having strategies in place that enable him and his friends to look after each other when they are out e.g. as sober driver; taking it in turns to drink much less than the others and keep on eye on everyone; ensuring friends all have safe travel options home.
Talk about what he could do if he saw a stranger in a vulnerable position e.g. a young person drunk and isolated from their friends; an older person collapsed in the street; a young woman being verbally abused or physically threatened by a man.
- What different forms could “stepping in” take?
- What could be the consequences of these different types of stepping in?
- How can someone step in whilst being respectful, on threatening and nonviolent?
- How can you protect yourself in this sort of situation?
- Would alcohol and drugs make a difference?
- What sorts of issues would you stand up for?
- Who would you stand up for, or step in for?
- What sort of men do you admire?
- What sort of man do you want to be and why?
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For more on sex, relationships and modern life, take a look at The Word, Family Planning's website for New Zealand teenagers.