Questions & Answers

 

I think my son / daughter is gay

As they grow up young people often have close intense friendships. They may have sexual feelings for friends, male and female. This doesn't necessarily mean that they will only be attracted to the same sex as adults. They need reassurance that it's normal to have feelings for people of the same sex. By their mid teens young people are usually aware of their sexual orientation, that is, their basic sexual attraction to other people.

If they are attracted to people of the same sex, that is, if they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, takataapui - it is important they feel safe to talk about it. Research shows that young people who do not feel safe to be open about these feelings are more likely to put themselves at risk.

Even though it may be hard for you to understand or accept ,it is important that you don't express strong negative feelings because your child will need your acceptance and love. Gay and lesbian young people are often bullied and abused, within school and outside. The prejudice behind this abuse damages the self-esteem of young gay and lesbian people.

If your child tells you they are gay/lesbian don't ignore it. You can clear the way to open communication by asking, for example, how long have they known that? They will have been struggling with this knowledge about themselves for some time, and will have rehearsed over and over again how they could tell you.

No one is responsible or to blame for homosexuality. Many parents tend to blame themselves when first told. There is plenty of evidence to show that homosexuality is part of nature. It is a normal reaction for parents to be angry or disbelieving. Many feel anxious about how others will react. Many experience grief for lost hopes and dreams for their child.

However, on finding out about a child being gay/lesbian, the only thing that will have changed is that you now know. It often helps for parents to talk to other parents of gay children.

There are support groups in the main centres for young people, and information from gay and lesbian helplines/switchboard - look up 'Gay' in the phonebook or go to Rainbow Youth or Gay NZ to search for local links.

There are resources and supports for parents - contact your nearest Parents and friends of Lebians and Gays (PFLAG) group by getting details from your nearest gay or lesbian switchboard or Gay NZ.

 

I am a single parent - do I need to do anything differently?

No. You may feel it's harder with no one to share responsibility. Try to ensure your child has access to a trusted adult of the same sex to talk to.

 

I feel I've left it too late to start talking about sex and relationships

It's never too late to start. Use the suggestions in the age group sections to help you to initiate conversation. Remember that serious conversations behind closed doors are likely to make young people shut down.

 

I parent children / young people who have been sexually abused. How do I approach sex and relationships discussions?

Everything on these pages is relevant to you. However, talking about sex or relationships may bring up traumatic memories. Reassure them that the abuse was not their fault, and that you recognise how painful it may be for them. Get specialist support from a social worker or therapist. If you have had harmful experiences see the agency links for your own support.